Somebody needs to take a stand against those that judge me for drinking soda instead of coffee.

Why yes, I am aware it is 8 am and I’m drinking a Diet Dr. Thunder. No, I don’t drink coffee. Why? Because it tastes disgusting and anything you have to pour fake cream and sugar into to make it taste good has something wrong with it. Diet soda has caffeine and you don’t see me pouring milk, sugar, creamer, caramel, and whatever other crap you have to pour into coffee. It works the same, plus I am fairly certain the little soda bubbles are basically mini whitening trays, scrubbing all the stains and lack of sleep away.

Oh, you’re asking about aspartame now? Yeah I know, Skinny Bitch told me diet soda was “Liquid Satan” but I would rather have a delicious diet soda kill me than a 100% vegan diet, which may make me die faster due to lack of happiness.

Blindfold me and let me do a smell test on diet soda and I will tell you the answers. I’m proud to be a diet soda connoisseur. Just because coffee snobs can’t appreciate the downright pleasant smell of Diet Pepsi doesn’t mean it’s up to me to try coffee. Whenever they didn’t sell Diet Dr. Pepper in Miami, everyone looked the other way, but it was perfectly acceptable to throw a fit about coffee and everyone understood.

No more, no more will I stand for it. If I want to drink Diet Dr. Thunder at 8 am, I will. You coffee drinkers can all go and buy your expensive expressacappucinobarf machines and I will be happy with a cardboard box full of aluminum cans.