Why 3D TV Sucks

I’d like to talk about why 3D TV sucks. If I wanted to experience something in 3D, I would get off my butt and go outside. I would read a book. I would clean out my closet. I wouldn’t be parking my ass on the couch, wear an uncomfortable pair of glasses, and feel dizzy for an hour or so watching things on a screen look like they are in 3D.

I also don’t want to pay $1500 for a 3D TV. If I had $1500 to spend on a TV you better believe it would be a 60” inch plasma that covers an entire wall and blows my mind every time I get to sit down to watch it. 3D TV is cheapening the beauty of plasma and LCD screens. It’s like Scrabble– the online version is never really quite as good as it is with the wooden tiles. Plus, you can cheat in online Scrabble and 3D TV is making you cheat at life by experiencing a digitized, false projection of it. Sure, the Na’vi aren’t real. Do I want them to be and to jump at me in my living room. Nope. Same with Oprah, Harry Potter, or anything else that has a 3D version of it.

Because if I’m going to be seeing Oprah in 3D, you better believe it’s because I’ve stalked her outside Harpo studios and she shoots me a dirty look for screeching her name at the top of my lungs.

Also, 3D glasses look stupid and don’t impress anyone. If I was at some douche’s party and he was trying to impress people with a 3D TV I would refuse to look dumb and try on the glasses. I would refuse to look at the screen. And if he announced that we would be watching the game on the 3D TV, I would back away slowly and get out of that house as fast as I could.

On second thought, I hope I won’t be socializing with anyone who thinks 3D TVs are cool enough to brag about any time soon.