Oh grass, how do I hate cutting you? Let me count the ways.
- My nose/head/upper body gets so stuffed up and I can’t take Benedryl because I already take Zyrtec and you’d just find me passed out in my uncut grass. All the neighbors would say, “They can’t even keep their grass a decent length, and now they are just taking naps in it?!”
- My park ranger stepdad told me that the smell of cut grass is actually the grass “crisis pheromones” that they put off when they are in trouble. So basically, it’s the smell equivalent of grass screaming. Cut the grass on your period and you will be depressed and want to cry the entire time (even more than you already do because you had to cut the grass).
- I get it. I should be thankful I even have a yard to cut and all that gratefulness stuff. Well if you want almost an acre of land, you come cut it. You can take home the clippings for free.
- What is proper grass cutting attire? Oh, the shittiest things I own, on me all at once, while the entire neighborhood, including that mom who has 3 kids and is skinnier than me, seems to drive by? Great.
- What’s better than spending an hour having to analyze all the weeds and bare patches on your yard? Mowing dirt has never been more fun.
- You begin to hate the neighbor kid who walks by and drops his trash more than you thought possible after you accidentally mow over his empty Doritos bag and then granola bar wrapper.
- You being to hate yourself, because why didn’t you notice that bright red empty Doritos bag?
- The OCD in me re-mows mowed areas because they aren’t straight or I “missed a spot”. Thus making me be out in the yard of despair longer than necessary.
- You think you’re done and then the side yard is like, “What’s up mofo? You still have to cut me, mwahaha. And I have a giant weird evergreen bush AND the air conditioner, so good luck cutting around that.“
- Is there anything less sexy than trying to start a lawnmower? Maybe trying to start it while cursing and wearing your nastiest clothes all at once. EVERY TIME.
Cartoon source: A Stick Figure in Captivity
And bugs. Don’t forget bugs. Especially buzzy, stingy ones that just love all the tiny flower buds all over the place. I don’t even bother to cut the lawn until later evening now, especially in the summer heat. Less bugs and slightly more tolerable humidity during dinner time hours, at the very least.